Homeland Security Agent at airport: "Why do you have a directed-energy laser in your carry-on luggage?"
USDA Agent: "We’re working on a new kind of popcorn. It’s a joint effort with the Department of Fish and Game. Trout like popcorn, you know."

USDA agent: "Why is Lt. Rollins asking questions about a flight that doesn’t exist?"
Steve: "Your nonexistent flight just landed in Hawaii."

"Don’t give me the hurt feelings thing, Mom, because a) I don’t buy it and b) I don’t care."

"You have literally never given me the whole truth in my entire life. And you want me to trust you?"
[to his mom]

Steve: "Did you just hang up on the CIA?"
Danny: "No, I hung up on a schmuck. A gigantic schmuck."