Barney: [talking to Ted] "Marshall ran away from a cockroach."
Marshall: "It was a mouse!"
Barney: "Oh, sorry, my bad, you're a man."

Ellen Pierce: "There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women." [pushes a calculator screen into Ted's face]
Ted: "That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight?"
Ellen Pierce: "There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door."
Ted: "Do you take credit cards?"