Barney's Version

Dr. Morty: "What kind of car do you drive?"
Barney: "Morty, that's fucking embarrassing."
Dr. Morty: "Just answer it."
Barney Panofsky: "A... you know, goddamn it... it's German... I can't even find the fucking thing. Why should I care what it's called?"

Barney: "So you fucked her?"
Boogie: "It was the only thing that would shut her up."

"Gratuitously? I always got paid, I ain't gonna work for free."

"Oh Barney, you really do wear your heart on your sleeve. Now put it away, it's disgusting to look at."

"This is the paternal wisdom I'm gonna get?"

"I need to get laid..."
[staring at a beautiful woman]

Miriam: "Are you out of your mind?"
Barney: "No! I'm bent over backwards in love!"

"For the first time in my life, I am truly in love."