Barney's Version

"You're married to a well-bred woman who is loaded, who makes a nice, flaky kugel, has a beautiful rack... and many successful marriages have been built on far less."

Blair: "Hello?"
Barney: "Blair, I'd like to speak with my wife."
Blair: "Oh, Barney, it's 3:00 in the morning."
Barney: "Put my wife on the phone."
Blair: "She's not your wife and I'm not waking her."
Barney: "All right. Well, then just ask her what she wants me to do with all these nude photos I have of her. Ah, come to think of it, you actually might want them, if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime."
[Blair hangs up]

Miriam: "We were just gonna throw some burgers on the barbecue. Do you want to join us?"
Blair: "I'm a vegan. But thank you."
Barney: "A what? Is that treatable?"

Miriam: "Really? Well, words matter. Actions matter. They have consequences. If you want people to take you seriously, then act accordingly. Do you understand me, Barney?"
Barney: "Yes."
Miriam: "What am I saying?"
Barney: "Be great in act, as you have in thought..."

Barney: "Should I sleep on the sofa?"
Miriam: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're not sleeping on the sofa, we don't sleep apart. Good night."

Miriam: "We can be friends now, can't we?"
Barney Panofsky: "No. We can't."
Miriam: "I'm here for you if you'll let me. We had a beautiful marriage, but it's over. I want you to be at peace with that."
Barney Panofsky: "Have I ever given up when it comes to you?"
Miriam: "Never."
Barney: "So what makes you think I would start now?"

Barney: "I'm just gonna keep talking here, 'cause I'm afraid that if I stop there's gonna be a pause or a break and you're gonna say 'It's getting late' or 'I should get going', and I'm not ready for that to happen. I don't want that to happen. Ever... [pause]"
Miriam: "There it was. The pause."
Barney: "Yeah."
Miriam: "I'm still here."