"I'm eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant I still don't believe in."

Lily: "A sword fight?"
Marshall & Ted: "Sorry, Lily."
Lily: "On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a fricking broadsword!"
Marshall: "Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through."
Lily: "I'm sorry - is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?"

Marshall: "I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancee."
Ted: "Come on, Marshall. Do you really think she's still your fiancee?"