The Five-Year Engagement * Quotes

"The first important thing to remember about marriage is that it requires commitment. The second important thing to remember about marriage is that so does insanity."

"Seeing you chop onions is depressing. It's like watching Michael Jordan take a shit."

Violet: "He kissed me, Tom!"
Tom: "You know what? That is a cop out. That is not fair. Yes, he may have been the one who kissed you. But there is a reason that he felt like that was an option. You know that's the truth."

Tom Solomon: "How could you do this to me?"
Winton Childs: "I haven't done anything to you, Violet did something to you, not me. If a woman wants to kiss me I'm going to f*cking kiss her. Underneath all that polite bullshit we're all running on caveman software. If she's got a husband, or a fiancé, or a boyfriend it's on her conscience, not mine."
Tom Solomon: "You should run."
Winton Childs: "Look Tom, this is ridiculous. Let's just put a stop to this now, please. Come on, I'm sorry. I really am."
Tom Solomon: "Winton, if you feel bad at all for what you did then you'll run from me."
Winton Childs: "Well, okay, I'll keep running. I'm off."

"I feel like I'm drinking out of Chewbacca's dick."

Taco Customer: "You're a white guy. You make tacos like a Mexican."
Tom Solomon: "Thanks."
Taco Customer: "Give me a hug."
Tom Solomon: "Really?"
Taco Customer: "Give me a hug, now!"
Tom Solomon: "Alright."
Taco Customer: "Mhmm. You smell like a taco."

Tom Solomon: "I was not flirting, okay?"
Alex Eilhauer: "Oh really?"
Tom Solomon: "I was being friendly."
Alex Eilhauer: "Yeah, right. You were sending telepathic wiener missiles at her face. And you know it."