Date Night

Detective Arroyo: "So what's your story?"
Claire Foster: "Just a boring married couple from New Jersey."

"Get that bird away from me."

Haley: "And I wanna get it on with three guys at the same time, 'cause I can!"
Claire: "Three guys at once? That's a nightmare. That is literally a recurring stress dream that I have. I can only think of jobs for two. Oh, no, I got it."
Haley: "Yeah, there's that one."

Holbrooke: "I met her in Tel Aviv, doing some consulting for the Mossad. She is a sweet girl."
Phil: "She seems really sweet. That was very nice of her to ask us to have sex."

Phil: "We are going to die!"
Claire: "I don't want the kids to live with your mother!"
Phil: "What?"
Claire: "She's awful!"

Phil: "What'd you learn in school today?"
Oliver, Charlotte: "Nothing."
Phil:" Oh, fantastic. Won't have to pay for college."

"Why is it so bright out here? It's supposed to be dark and seedy. Give a 40 year old stripper-slash-mom a break."

Haley: "And he knows that if I have five glasses of wine, I'm gonna try to make out with a black guy."
Claire: "You're still doing that, huh?"
Haley: "Yes!"