Ted

"Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine."

"Let's just find a better place to get stoned."

Lori: "Okay... here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie?"
John: "Octopussy!"
Lori: "BABY! Goldstar!"

Donny: "You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, 'No'."
Ted: "Can you just email me the rest of this story?"
Donny: "And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever."
Ted: "Maybe 'no' to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt."

Lori: "Welcome back Ted!"
John: "It was you!"
Ted: "Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!"
Lori: "No! I wished for my life back."

"You can sing any 90's song with just vowels."

"He's been going out for four years. My longest relationship was, like, six months, and then she farted in her sleep. I'm like: I'm out of here, man, and I was gone before she woke up."

Donny: "You're mine now, Ted."
Ted: "Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett."
Donny: "I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing."
Ted: "I think we're very far apart on this."