Ted 2

"So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?"

"I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere."

Ted: "I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card."
John: "What?"
Ted: "I mean saying his name three times so he appears."
John: "Are you fucking crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!"
Ted: "No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle..."
John: "Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand alright! Cut the shit!"

"We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent."

"You're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect."
[to Tom Brady]

"There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny, only guys with tits."

Sam: "Do I have 'fuck me' eyes?"
Ted: "No, you have 'Give me the ring, my precious' eyes."

Customer: "Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today."
Ted: "I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ."