Bad Moms

"I'm not gonna wear this sweatshirt ever again."

Kiki: "Oh, my God. What's in this?"
Martha Stewart: "Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka."
Kiki: "They're delicious!"
Martha Stewart: "I start my day with six of these."

Kiki: "Do you go to all of his games?"
Carla: "No. No, I don't. The last game I went to was six hours long and the final score was one to two. So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan than another kids' baseball game."

"My kid still watches Sesame Street and he doesn't get it."

Kiki: "I'm just happy he's circumcised."
Amy: "Agh! What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?"
Kiki: "Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street; just scream and get out of there!"

Kiki: "Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one, but I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?"
Carla, Amy: "No."
Carla: "You're batshit crazy."
Amy: "Yeah."
Carla: "And I'm never gonna get into a car with you."

"Oh, hey, I know you. You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget / don't want to."
[to Kiki]

Principal Burr: "I found marijuana cigarettes in your daughter's locker. Now, it looks like Sour Diesel or a little Afghan Kush."
Amy: "That's impossible; she's only twelve!"
Principal Burr: "It happens. Snoop's been smoking since he was five."