Bad Moms

Carla: "First of all, you're so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen."
Kiki: "True that!"
Carla: "You give your kids salad. Your remember your kids birthdays! I mean, I've sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high."
Amy: "Most moms do that, Carla."

Amy: "I'm so sorry, but you're going to actually have to start doing your own homework from now on."
Dylan: "I am a slow learner, remember?"
Amy: "You're not a slow learner, you're just entitled... do you know what 'entitled' means?"
Dylan: "No. Because I'm a slow learner."
Amy: "It means that mummy and daddy have been spoiling you, and now you think that the world owes you something, but it doesn't. And if you don't learn how to work hard now, then you're going to just grow up to be like another entitled little white dude who thinks he's awesome for no reason. And then you'll start a Ska Band and it'll be awful and you'll be mean to girls, and you'll grow this ironic moustache to look interesting but you won't actually be interesting, and I'm not okay with that so would you please, please just do your own homework!?"

Dr. Karl: "Okay, remember when I said that all marriages are savable? Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys."
Amy: "So what do you think we should do?"
Dr. Karl: "Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what do to. But, uhm, as a human being with two f*cking eyes in my head, yeah... I think you should get divorced as soon as possible. This is some catastrophic shit."

Amy: "It's impossible to know whether or not you're doing a good job."
Carla: "My son still watches Sesame Street and he doesn't get it."
Amy: "My son failed study hall."
Kiki: "My daughter stole money from a homeless woman."
Amy: "F*ck, I love them so much."
Kiki: "I would literally die for them right now."
Carla: "Every time I think about that big dumb motherf*cker going off to college I want to cry like a baby."
Amy Mitchell: "Oh, stop it; you're going to make me cry."
Kiki: "Children are such a gift."

"Sometimes I take the balls and shove them up there too because at least, you know, they're firm."

Carla: "Holy f*ck, is that your mom bra! It looks like you have one long boob."
Kiki: "It's a uniboob."
Amy: "This is my sexy bra!"
Carla: "You don't even have any cleavage!"
Kiki: "Is it bullet proof?"
Carla: "Definitely water proof. It looks like you wrapped an ACE bandage around yourself like three times."
Kiki: "Yeah, I don't want to touch it. Is it hard? ... Oh, my God."
Carla: "It's like an eye mask, like you put it in the fridge!"
Kiki: "You've got a very 'Boys Don't Cry' thing happening right now."
Amy: "Is it that bad? [Kiki and Carla start poking Amy's bra and laugh] It's so comfortable."

Amy: "I haven't had sex since my divorce. What if I get someone who's not circumcised?"
Kiki: "Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street, just scream and get out of there."

"I'm not going to wear this sweatshirt never again."