Bad Santa

Kid: "Candy corn?"
Willie: "Well... they all can't be winners!"

"Hey, can I get another drink down here?"

Kid: "You are really Santa, right?"
Willie: "No, I'm an accountant. I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, alright?"

"You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin' years of therapy."

"Why don't you wish in one hand, and shit in the other. See which one fills up first."

Kid: "Your beard's not real."
Willie: "No Shit!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out."
Kid: "How come?"
Willie: "I loved a woman who wasn't clean."
Kid: "Mrs. Santa?"
Willie: "No it was her sister."

Sue: "I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing."
Willie: "So is my thing for tits."

"Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister."