Brett Kelly

Thurman Merman: "One time I ate too much turkey bacon I didn't poop for two weeks, for four weeks."
Sunny Soke: "Is this your spawn?"
Willie: "Do I look like I made him?"
Sunny Soke: "Well if this ain't fetal alcohol syndrome, then what the f*ck is it?"

"When you don't have real family you got to make a new one. And I know you're not the Santa, but you're still my Santa."
[to Willie]

Kid: "You are really Santa, right?"
Willie: "No, I'm an accountant. I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, alright?"

Thurman Merman: "I didn't even know you had a mom."
Willie: "Did you think I was just hatched?"

Thurman Merman: "I'm twenty-one, officially a man."
Willie: "You're twenty-one already. That's creepy."
Thurman Merman: "Are you still going to pop my cherry?"
Willie: "What! Fuck, no! I said I'd get it done by somebody else."

"Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister."

Kid: "Your beard's not real."
Willie: "No Shit!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out."
Kid: "How come?"
Willie: "I loved a woman who wasn't clean."
Kid: "Mrs. Santa?"
Willie: "No it was her sister."

Kid: "Candy corn?"
Willie: "Well... they all can't be winners!"