How I Met Your Mother - Season 1

Marshall: "I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancee."
Ted: "Come on, Marshall. Do you really think she's still your fiancee?"

Lily: "A sword fight?"
Marshall & Ted: "Sorry, Lily."
Lily: "On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a fricking broadsword!"
Marshall: "Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through."
Lily: "I'm sorry - is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?"

"I'm eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant I still don't believe in."

Ellen Pierce: "There's 9 million people in New York. 4.5 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone roughly your own age - let's say plus, minus 5 years. So if you take into account the most recent census data that leaves us with 482,000 women. But wait! 48% of those are already in relationships and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility. And then you have to take out the ex girlfriends and the relatives. And, oh, you can't forget those lesbians. And then that leaves us with 8 women." [pushes a calculator screen into Ted's face]
Ted: "That can't be right! Eight? Really? Eight?"
Ellen Pierce: "There are 8 fish in that big blue ocean, Ted. And if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door."
Ted: "Do you take credit cards?"

Barney: [talking to Ted] "Marshall ran away from a cockroach."
Marshall: "It was a mouse!"
Barney: "Oh, sorry, my bad, you're a man."

Ted: [sees Barney in a new devil costume] "Barney? What, you're back?"
Barney: "That's right."
Ted Mosby: "In a totally new costume!?"
Barney: "Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression."

Robin: "How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night, on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?"
Ted: "Well, I'm pretty drunk..."

"Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash."