A Million Ways to Die in the West

"You know what else can kill you? Doctors!"

Edward: "This is my first vagina."
Ruth: "You've never seen one?"
Edward: "No... I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something."
[Ruth lifts up skirt]
Edward: "it's... uhh... it's... it's that? Right?"
Ruth: "Oh yeah, it's this, its like from here to here."
Edward: "Oh."
Ruth: "But this is just the outside, there's these folds."
Edward: "Okay, i'm gonna close the bible now."

Albert: "...and all I had to do was distract you while the poison entered your bloodstream."
Edward: "Albert, he's dead. He's been dead for a few minutes."
Albert: "Oh. Well, did he at least hear all the smart things I said?"

"My worst fear is to O.D. on a recreational drug."

Anna: "You're a good sheep farmer!"
Albert: "Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week."
Anna: "Really?"
Albert: "Yeah. Wondered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made 20 dollars."

Clinch: "Where did you learn to shoot?"
Albert: "Your wife."
Edward: "Oh, snap!"

George Stark: "You're late!"
Albert: "For what?"
George Stark: "Fair enough."

"Hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and horse."