Kumail Nanjiani

Emily: "Can you imagine a world where we end up together?"
Kumail: "I don't know."

"Sst... is that lady still looking at me?"

"Mr. Strickland, reputation of a hothead. Scary, yet effective. ... Mr. Campbell, English teacher, probably a nice guy, but a bit of a worm and a sneak."

Andy Campbell: "Am I the only one here who sees what's going on, hello?"
Mehar: "Hello."
Andy Campbell: "Not 'hello' you! Hello, he's holding an ax!"

Nicole: "So, how do you know my dad?"
Stu: "He kidnapped me."

Vic Manning: "You've got brass balls."
Stu: "Don't talk about my balls!"
Vic Manning: "It's me and you."
Stu: "Leave my balls out of it!"
Vic Manning: "We're a team, buddy."

[Stu is talking about his boss]
Stu: "He's the second worst guy I've ever met."
Vic Manning: "Who's the worst?"
Stu: "I'll give you a hint. It's you."

"Do you remember that part of Neverending Story where Atréju walks through the oracle gates and those guys, big statue things, can see a warrior's true internal nature and that super scary knight just vaporizes, because deep down he doesn't believe in himself?"